The news is good!

We went to my appointment and sat in the waiting room where I am sure everyone could hear Joey and my hearts beating out of our chest. They brought us back in the ultrasound room where I proceeded to start crying before we even got started. I had held it together pretty well up until then. It was fear. As I lay back on the table I just took a deep breath and reminded myself that things are what they are and we have to accept what happens to us. It was Matthews birthday so I had to keep it together for him, no matter what. As soon as the woman started the ultrasound, my very first view, I could see that the sac no longer looked empty. She and the Doctor commented on my "flipped" uterus and how it made for a really hard ultrasound. She pushed on my stomach which was uncomfortable and made me kinda nervous. She said she definitely saw a yoke sac and then finally........ a little fetal pole. The boys just stood there looking confused and Joey looked slightly relieved. She asked me to take a deep breath and hold it and..... swoosh, swoosh, swoosh. Every ones face lit up as they realized it was indeed our babies heart beating. It was 119 bpm, which they said was fine for a first trimester baby. You know in the back of my mind I was worried it was me and not the baby. I guess the doctor could tell because he came right over and took my pulse. "It's definitely not you" he said. When I asked if he felt like things were okay he said he was very optimistic, but that we should be careful and check again in a week or two. We went to Chuck E Cheese's to celebrate Matthew's birthday and then came home to eat his M&M Carvel cake he had picked out. I have been so sick I haven't been cooking much less baking. The next day I woke up feeling horrible. Our landlord came by because our water had failed the water test and had a very small amount of coliform bacteria in it. I have been drinking and cooking with the water. Nerves shot again. We have to use bottled water even to brush our teeth until Tuesday when they can fix it. I felt like I was going to throw up with them standing right there. I was so glad when they left. When I went to the bathroom realized I had started spotting a little. I immediately went to bed for two hours and didn't get up until I could no longer wait to pee. I felt so sick. I'm sure the nerves were making it worse, but by late afternoon I was wishing to go to the hospital. I have to be REALLY sick to want that. You know when your sick and you get an IV and it just makes you feel so much better. I felt like I needed that. I have been trying to keep up with my fluids but I am not good with that. I am pretty sure the spotting was from having the ultrasound and it has tapered off since then. It was so nice having Joey here with me this weekend. He brought me food and kept me hydrated. I can not imagine what someone would do if they were working and felt this way. I am so lucky to have Max home with me too. He has been such a big help, taking the dog out, making food for his brother and checking on me. He will be such a big help with the baby. Joey and I in a joint effort made potato soup this weekend. It was the best batch in as long as I can remember. It was just what I needed. So the house, laundry, school work, and everything else will have to wait for now until I am feeling better. I am so glad that our life is what it is and all of that can wait.

So we're hangin' in

Well we've made it through the weekend. No cramping or spotting, just nauseated and peeing a ton. Too much, I believe. The nurse said that I don't have a UTI. I do. I have been thinking about my appointment last week and there are a few things that are really bothering me. I refused all of the fetal tests and the HIV test. I had one years ago and I don't need another. There is this sonogram that they do around 11/13 weeks to test for Downs Syndrome.. The lady at the front desk seemed floored when I said that I wasn't interested in having it done. She said she "strongly" suggested that I have it done so I could make my decision from there. I looked her right in the face and said "What decision would that be?" She stumbled.......bad. Her reply......."Oh you know, what would be best." I just shook my head. What is wrong with some people?? Would she walk up to a sweet child with Downs and tell them that it is a shame they are alive? I want a baby. Another child to love and teach, and for our family to enjoy. For her to suggest I would only want what she thinks would be a "perfect" child really pissed me off. Maybe a baby with Downs would be perfect for us. Maybe we would be perfect for it. No one leaves comments anymore so don't go and leave me a comment now about someone you know who has a child with Downs and how hard it is. Ask them, they wouldn't trade their child in. Any who.......
I have never been as sick feeling with any of my other pregnancies. I have always been tired and a little nauseated, but when I get up in the night or first thing in the morning I feel pretty bad. Happy to feel bad, but still bad. I haven't gotten barely anything done here. I am spending most of the day on the bed with the kids. Yesterday I made a big roast, we had a roaring fire, Christmas music on, and we were going to decorate the tree. COCO had thrown up in the morning and seemed to get worse as the day went on. While we were doing the tree she threw up blood. That made me really nervous so we looked up an animal hospital in the area. Joey took her and the kids and I stayed home with the fire and the roast in the oven. I felt like I would stress too much going too. I don't need to stress right now. They did x-rays and said they didn't know what it was. The Vet gave her three meds and Joey a bill for $395. Thanks. She offered to keep her overnight for $1,000. She also gave her fluids in her back instead of through an IV. New to me. Joey brought her home and she has been laying on the bad with me just resting. I have given her syringes of water, a few saltines, and her meds. She seems to be doing okay She is so little (6lbs) and I get nervous easy with her. It's like when your kids are little and get sick, you worry more than when they get older. Seems like they can handle more the bigger they are. I am in need of a shower and am going to try and get something done today. Wish it was Thursday already.

Oh well

So I'm not supposed to do this. I don't care, I need to. I think my blog these days is for me mostly anyway so I need to get it out. I am pregnant again and I am so scared. I know after last time I should wait until I am in my second trimester before I say anything to anyone. I found out about two and a half weeks ago when we were staying in the hotel. I didn't help Joey with moving anything for fear that something may go wrong. I spotted for four long days. Not bad and I have been hoping it was just implantation bleeding. As soon as I found out I went and got progesterone cream in hopes that I could keep my level higher than last time. When I had the miscarriage my progesterone level was 6.5. That's bad. I went Monday for my blood work it was 12.7. That is supposed to be high enough. We'll see. I saw the doctor today and had an ultra sound. There was a very obvious sac there, but it didn't look like much in it. He said it may just be too early and to come back in a week. Sound familiar?? Yes, that's what they said last time. I miscarried two days later. I am trying to stay positive, but it is sooo hard. I want this baby bad, I need it. I see babies and I feel like I am suffocating. I felt better about things this time, I had more hope for some reason. After the sonogram I felt like this wasn't even real. I almost felt kinda nutty. Like my mind and body were saying, "wait a minute, I can't handle this". I know I can handle anything, I did before, but I don't want to. Things may end up being okay next week. I so want them to be. I am nauseated and tired and the doctor said that I am also slightly dehydrated. The next week is going to be so hard and long. I am just going to take good care of myself and rest. My next appointment is Thursday, Matthews birthday. Maybe I will celebrate one of my children's birthdays and celebrate that I will be having another one. To anyone that happens to read this please do what ever it is that you do: pray, send positive energy, cross your fingers,anything...... for our health and strength.

Maine

Our visit to Maine was great. We didn't get there until 5am Thanksgiving morning, but we were so excited to see everyone it was worth it. My sister made a wonderful meal and pumpkin pies that were absolutely delicious. I was tired, but my heart was truly thankful for so much.

On Friday we went to visit my cousin Kari and her husband Aaron. We grew up together, but have not seen each other in years. Our kids played together like they had known each other for ever. It was so good to see her and meet her kids.

Matthew, Max, Eli, Laney, and Mia

Next we went to visit my friend from high school Ali and her husband Aaron. We went to the LL Bean outlet store and to one of my favorite old school stores, Mexicali Blues, in the old port. I needed to find new boots for the boys at Beans and a new scarf for me at Mexicali. Within 30 seconds of walking through the door of Beans we realized that Matthew and Mady could be trouble together. After that we went back to Ali's were she had delicious white chicken chili in the crock pot waiting and fresh baked beer bread.

Mady, Matthew, and Max

Sam, Gabe, Will, Madison, Max, Isabella, and Matthew.Rosie, Auggie, and CoCo in the front row. Mad is so mature and handsome. Will is handsome and seriously funny. Sam was a little boy the last time I saw him and now he towers over me and is so smart. Bella is so pretty and girlie. Gabe and Matthew were busy, very busy.

My sister and I laughed a ton and as usual my favorite times with my sister were hanging out on her bed chatting and when we actually got to spend some time alone shopping.

This is the real us, my favorite us.

My sister is great!