Chattanooga Zoo

The chimps were so funny. This guy was just hangin' out.
I think these frogs are just the coolest, but they'll kill you.

Clowning around in the store where I won't spend stupid amounts of money on bad plastic toys. I started buying the boys patches a while ago from the places we visit and I am going to make them wall hangings to display them. So they got patches and they are learning it's about the experience and not the cheap toys.

He ran over to the table, grabbed the hat, and hit the floor. He said " Mummie look they have shells." I love his thoughts.

We be jammin'.

This just melts my heart. They really are buddies.

Something New for our Minds

We needed to get away and have a new recent memory for everyone. Camping is perfect...... simple, natural, and fun. I am laid back about what the kids can have when camping. They have had soda (with caffeine no less) and lots of smores late night. Good times.
My camera skills aren't great and they get worse with beer. Sorry.

Catching Up

This is the Mac and Cheese I made a few weeks ago.

It looked so good I couldn't wait to take the picture. This is post dinner.

I have needed comfort food and there is something so comforting about cooking in my dutch oven. This is beef stew that I made with the carrots, potatoes, and onion we had from the CSA.
My girl in her pretty pink dress.
CoCo is such a precious little puppy. I love having her. And yes, I am finally wearing clothes instead of my Bathrobe.
I felt so bad when I started to see the world without the fog, my bird feeders were empty. I am so grateful my friends have returned even after they were neglected. There were three Morning Doves on the front steps the other morning.

Untitled

Two Mondays ago Joey lost his job due to company restructuring. He was one of a leg of people to get let go. Big companies suck.

Last Wednesday (8/13) I started spotting. I knew something was wrong. We called my ob/gyn because at that point my midwife couldn't really do anything. The ob checked me, cervix closed, and ran some blood test. I went back on Thursday for an ultra sound and to repeat the blood work. My HCG level was high, progesterone low, and even though I had remained hopeful...... no heartbeat. She said that maybe they just couldn't get it and to come back and try again in a week, but not to be surprised if I miscarried. Through my sobbing I asked what to expect if it did happen. Will it hurt? What will it look like when it comes out? She said it may hurt some. Joey brought me home and put me in bed. I lay there crying, thinking, wondering, and honestly..... hoping they were wrong. It felt like torture. There was nothing I could do, nothing at all. Friday afternoon around two I knew it was time. The "cramps" felt like contractions and I cried. At first I held my knees shut but I knew it was no use. Joey and I were completely unprepared for what was happening. My cervix burned, I got chills, and the shakes. He sat with me the entire time. We had to have the awful conversation of how to handle, I couldn't flush it down the toilet. ( We have since decided to buy a beautiful planter and tree, similar to what some people do with their placentas.) I think the pain was even harder to deal with because at the end of labor you have this warm little bundle of hope, and I new all that awaited me was sadness. I felt so out of control. I would have done anything for the baby to be okay, but there was nothing I could do. By eight that night the cramps started to slow down and we thought it was over. I was so sad and tired but really almost numb. I stumbled over my words when I had to tell the boys. Max did not take it well at all. When I opened my eyes Saturday morning the sadness was almost unbearable. Before long the cramps started again and I was right back where I had been on Friday. You just don't realize how much there is that needs to come out. I couldn't take anymore. Joey's dad came to take the boys to baseball practice and we went to the hospital. I forgot to mention that I had a bladder infection when we went to the Dr. on Thursday. I listened to all the calls over the intercom and watched all of the people trying to remind myself that others still have it worse. I felt like I was watching but not really there. After several hours of waiting the Dr. examined me ( cervix closed back up) and did an ultra sound. She said that I needed to have a D&C because there was still a little left and that most people usually can pass everything in about 12 hours. It had been 32 hours. I hate being put under but agreed because at that point I was physically and emotionally wiped out. The nurse that wheeled me to the or said the worst thing to us. She said " things usually come in three's, I wonder what will happen to you two next." I was tired and scared and told her that hopefully they wouldn't kill me. I wish I had been myself and would have had something far better to say to her. I was grateful not to have gotten sick when I woke up because anesthesia usually makes me throw up. They gave me oxycodone to take and I liked it..... a lot. I needed something to make me sleepy and I took extra, because I needed to. I lay in the bed listening to the train in the distance, the beeping construction vehicles, cars, neighbors, and animals outside. I could hear the world going but mine was standing so still. It took me a few days to be able to leave our bedroom. I wanted Joey to stay with me every minute even though I knew he needed to tend to the boys and CoCo. What a blessing him losing his job turned out to be. We were able to go through this together. I am so grateful for my sister, she always says the right thing. I wish that she could have been here with me. I hate being so far away from each other. I have been back to the doctor and have been out a few times. Every time gets a little easier. People say off things because they don't know what to say and there is awkward silences and lots of eyebrow raised smiles. There are also those people who ask questions that you can't do anything other than just look at them. Then there are those who don't even call. When I called my midwife to let her know what had happened she said the most comforting thing to me. She said that what came out of me was not a spirit but a body that for one reason or another could not survive and that she didn't think that God would give that little spirit one chance in a body that wouldn't work. She said that she believes that little spirit is just waiting for a healthy body that will bring it to be with our family. I have been so comforted by her words. I think she is right. Joey and I are working together to get the house back in order and decided to rearrange our bedroom for a new perspective. I feel like I am slowly meshing back into life.

Hangin' in

I really do love being pregnant, but oh the nausea. I feel like I have the worst hangover constantly. Tired and nauseous just about all day long. I am still feeling like creamy, dairy, cheesy stuff. I am having a hard time eating all of the veggies from our CSA basket, so I have been putting them up for later. I made mac and cheese the other day and baked it with sunflower seed on top until it was brown and bubbly. It absolutely hit the spot. I have some great pictures to post but I just don't have it in me tonight. Soon. It rained today and it would have felt so good to just stand in it. I knew if I did it wouldn't be alone and I didn't have the energy to get everyone put back together after. Maybe I'll sneak out in the middle of the night if it's still raining. :)

My Coming Home

I said that I was going to share so here goes. I was twenty one when I got pregnant with Max. I was engaged to a guy that I went to school with who was a few years older than me. We had only been together about a year, I think. He was an alcoholic and had anger issues. I used to like drama. I hate drama now. We were living in Maine at the time and the same week we found out we were pregnant the ceiling in our apartment started to cave in from all of the snow. We had no extra money, LOL we had no money period. His parent let us stay in their shared summer home for two weeks and when that was up his mother informed us that he was welcome to move home and that she was sure I had someone I could stay with. I didn't. Things weren't good between us anyway so I packed up and moved to North Carolina where my parents and my sister were living. I stayed with my parents for a few months, found myself a job, and then my own apartment. It was $250 a month and yup... there were roaches. I was so excited to be having a baby and for me it was a real reason to live. I didn't have much self worth. I was also VERY scared. Scared of doing it alone, of not doing it well, of the pain, and also that no one would ever want me for a wife. I was on such shaky ground. I knew that I wanted to try and have a natural delivery but I didn't know a whole lot about it. I had read some and talked to people but I was just young. I was surrounded by wonderful friends at the time who I know wished the best for me. I also saw the pity in some peoples eyes. I was tired and lonely at times. When my contractions started they were short and light. I had no idea how long it would be so I called my mom to come hang out with me, just in case it was quick. I had a friend who also came to lend support. I ate and took a relaxing bath. The contractions picked up in frequency and intensity. I was excited but asked my friend who had recently given birth at home if maybe we could not go to the hospital and just stay there instead. I was comfortable at home. Everyone convinced me it was time to go, so I went.....reluctantly. When we got there they told me I had to lay in the bed and have the fetal monitor on. The nurse was a witch. I'll never forget her name was Shane. My contractions stopped. The next several hours are pretty blurry. My water broke and at some point they decided to use a internal fetal monitor and began putting fluid back into my uterus. Things were starting to suck at this point and all they were saying was what they were going to do next when I didn't progress. Thanks y'all, way to encourage a girl. I was in pain but I wasn't out of control like some people I have seen. I was hungry and tired. When it had been 38 hours since my contractions first started I asked for an epidural. I had not slept and was feeling defeated. When he pushed down into the birth canal his heart rate would drop. It went right back up after each contraction. It wasn't long after that they told me that if I cared about my baby I would have a c-section. I was numb. I cried as they wheeled me to the operating room. I couldn't barely keep my eyes open. Max weighed 6lbs5oz. He had a few scary times where he turned blue in the few days after he was born. They said it was from the fluid in his lungs that doesn't get squeezed out during a c-section like it would during a vaginal delivery. Yes I am small framed, but not to small to have a baby. There is a laundry list of things that contributed to my delivery ending the way it did. Some things I should have done different and lots of things the hospital should have done different. Max and I learned how to nurse quickly. I felt like a failure for having a c-section so nursing was healing for me. I was in heaven with my little boy. It was just the two of us bonding and getting to know one another. I guess I should not leave you hanging and tell you that his biological father has never been part of his life. He has seen him 3 times - at three weeks old, three years, and in third grade. Never noticed the three thing til I typed that. When people say that you'll always be connected to someone once you have had a child together....it's not always true. I feel connected to Max only. It's almost like he was just a sperm donor. I struggled to support us and we moved a lot, but we made it. Max truly is a gift. I feel like I didn't realize the control I had over my life. I just let things happen to me. I had so many ideas/dreams of the way I wanted to live my life. I didn't realize how capable I am and that I just needed to grab life by the you know what's and create the situations I desired. I didn't realize that until about a year ago. When Max was three I had to have surgery to fix some of the scar tissue that was pulling on my other organs. It was a painful and awkward surgery. Max and I lived alone and after my mom drove me home from the hospital he took care of me. He held my hand and walked me to the bathroom. Once again he was my little angel. I married Joey in 2002. We are very different people with very different backgrounds. We see things differently. As soon as we were married we started trying to get pregnant. I had to take clomid. I had the estrogen level of a woman who had gone through menopause. As soon as I got pregnant I forgot all about that. I desperately wanted to have a natural delivery and that was my first question to my ob/gyn. Their answer was yes. Notice I said they. I saw a different doctor every time I went for an appointment. Joey didn't really understand my feeling or care much about any of that stuff at the time. I had no support. They told me a month before my due date that I was going to have to have a c-section and that we needed to pay for part of it up front. I felt so alone. I asked if we could at least wait until I went into labor. They said no. It was to late for me to do anything else or so I thought at the time. I wish I had stood up for myself. I felt so confused the night before my c-section. I walked into the hospital and into the operating room. It just didn't feel like it was supposed to be happening. My body wasn't saying it was time. They gave me something orally before they started and I vomited through the entire thing. At one point I realized that Joey wasn't there and started to panic. Where's my husband??? Oh yeah they said, someone go get her husband. They were getting the vacuum to pull him out when Joey came in. He was still very high and lodged up under my ribs. He wasn't ready to come out! He was 7lbs13oz. My temperature dropped very low and they had to wrap me up in warm blankets. Joey held Matthew and then we started having visitors. I felt cheated. I wanted to be alone in the quiet with my baby and nurse. My milk didn't come in right away and they wanted to give him formula. I was so mad. I told them no. My body felt very confused. The spinal made me shaky for several weeks. I felt like the ground was moving constantly. It was a harder recovery than the first time. On Christmas night Matthew was two weeks old and something wasn't right. Joey was sleeping and said everything would be fine, but I felt so strongly that something was wrong. He was breathing to deeply or something. I called the pediatrician who said to bring him in since he was so new. His oxygen level was 80. They scooped him up and ran to the trauma room. They asked us to stand back. I was dying inside. I finally asked the doctor to just tell me if he was going to live and he said he was sorry he just couldn't say yet. I have never felt so desperate. I would have given anything. Joey and I held each other and cried. After a spinal tap and chest x-ray they told us his lung had collapsed and that he had RSV. I thought RSV was mostly what happened to preemie African American babies. That's what the commercial said. It's also for white babies who are taken from there mom too soon and have lungs full of fluid. We spent a week in the hospital on oxygen and antibiotics. I was not recovered fully yet. I still had the strips on my stomach and I was so sore. Joey was so good that week. Back and forth to the hospital and rubbing my feet with Burt's Bee's foot cream. That week changed our relationship. We held each other and Matthew trying to will him better. It worked. We brought him home and took turns watching him and sleeping. We were still so scared. We got too good of an idea of how quickly he could be gone. He nursed until he was 31/2 and he is still right between us in the same place we put him his first night home. He has only been sick a few times in his life but it has been real bad when its happened. In April of 07' he got sick and ran a fever of 105.4 for almost 24 hrs. It went up and down for several days. It was 105.4 when they sent us home from the hospital. Again I was leaving a hospital with him feeling so scared. I hate hospitals. I keep him close and am so thankful for him. So here I am pregnant again. I know some people will not agree with my choices but they are MINE to make and this time I am going to stand up for my and the babies health. I am using a midwife and am going to try and deliver the baby in our home where I feel safe and comfortable. Away from the negativity and all of the interventions. I have been reading like crazy and will continue to learn everything I can. Joey has listened to me go on and on and let me read to him. We watched The Business of Being Born (netflix instant movie) which is great. He really likes our midwife and feels comfortable with her. I am making an educated decision and I feel so good about it. I know that in the end things could play out differently than I would like, but I've got to try. So this will be my coming home year. I will teach my children at home and I will have my baby at home.... where we are all happy, loved, and feel safe.

Friday comforts

I HAD to have hot chocolate this morning and my boys were just delighted to join me.
I had my appointment with the midwife yesterday and was exhausted when I got home in the late afternoon. She is lovely and I am very excited to have her. I am going to share my story about that soon when I am not so tired. The boys were with their Grandparents so I actually took a nap. My first with this pregnancy, but hopefully not my last. I wanted to start a quilt that I am making for the baby (I nixed the wrap skirt for now) but instead I acted like a little one, peeled off my clothes and curled up under the covers. It was wonderful...... then I stayed up until 3am cleaning my house. So this morning was spent in the big comfy chair looking in on my blogger friends.**** By the way...... It only seems fair that if you know me, I should get to know you. Leave me a comment so I can visit your blog and get to know you also. See...friends :) **** If you don't have a blog, you should. It helps us all learn and see that we all connect in one way or another.