Oh well

So I'm not supposed to do this. I don't care, I need to. I think my blog these days is for me mostly anyway so I need to get it out. I am pregnant again and I am so scared. I know after last time I should wait until I am in my second trimester before I say anything to anyone. I found out about two and a half weeks ago when we were staying in the hotel. I didn't help Joey with moving anything for fear that something may go wrong. I spotted for four long days. Not bad and I have been hoping it was just implantation bleeding. As soon as I found out I went and got progesterone cream in hopes that I could keep my level higher than last time. When I had the miscarriage my progesterone level was 6.5. That's bad. I went Monday for my blood work it was 12.7. That is supposed to be high enough. We'll see. I saw the doctor today and had an ultra sound. There was a very obvious sac there, but it didn't look like much in it. He said it may just be too early and to come back in a week. Sound familiar?? Yes, that's what they said last time. I miscarried two days later. I am trying to stay positive, but it is sooo hard. I want this baby bad, I need it. I see babies and I feel like I am suffocating. I felt better about things this time, I had more hope for some reason. After the sonogram I felt like this wasn't even real. I almost felt kinda nutty. Like my mind and body were saying, "wait a minute, I can't handle this". I know I can handle anything, I did before, but I don't want to. Things may end up being okay next week. I so want them to be. I am nauseated and tired and the doctor said that I am also slightly dehydrated. The next week is going to be so hard and long. I am just going to take good care of myself and rest. My next appointment is Thursday, Matthews birthday. Maybe I will celebrate one of my children's birthdays and celebrate that I will be having another one. To anyone that happens to read this please do what ever it is that you do: pray, send positive energy, cross your fingers,anything...... for our health and strength.