My Coming Home

I said that I was going to share so here goes. I was twenty one when I got pregnant with Max. I was engaged to a guy that I went to school with who was a few years older than me. We had only been together about a year, I think. He was an alcoholic and had anger issues. I used to like drama. I hate drama now. We were living in Maine at the time and the same week we found out we were pregnant the ceiling in our apartment started to cave in from all of the snow. We had no extra money, LOL we had no money period. His parent let us stay in their shared summer home for two weeks and when that was up his mother informed us that he was welcome to move home and that she was sure I had someone I could stay with. I didn't. Things weren't good between us anyway so I packed up and moved to North Carolina where my parents and my sister were living. I stayed with my parents for a few months, found myself a job, and then my own apartment. It was $250 a month and yup... there were roaches. I was so excited to be having a baby and for me it was a real reason to live. I didn't have much self worth. I was also VERY scared. Scared of doing it alone, of not doing it well, of the pain, and also that no one would ever want me for a wife. I was on such shaky ground. I knew that I wanted to try and have a natural delivery but I didn't know a whole lot about it. I had read some and talked to people but I was just young. I was surrounded by wonderful friends at the time who I know wished the best for me. I also saw the pity in some peoples eyes. I was tired and lonely at times. When my contractions started they were short and light. I had no idea how long it would be so I called my mom to come hang out with me, just in case it was quick. I had a friend who also came to lend support. I ate and took a relaxing bath. The contractions picked up in frequency and intensity. I was excited but asked my friend who had recently given birth at home if maybe we could not go to the hospital and just stay there instead. I was comfortable at home. Everyone convinced me it was time to go, so I went.....reluctantly. When we got there they told me I had to lay in the bed and have the fetal monitor on. The nurse was a witch. I'll never forget her name was Shane. My contractions stopped. The next several hours are pretty blurry. My water broke and at some point they decided to use a internal fetal monitor and began putting fluid back into my uterus. Things were starting to suck at this point and all they were saying was what they were going to do next when I didn't progress. Thanks y'all, way to encourage a girl. I was in pain but I wasn't out of control like some people I have seen. I was hungry and tired. When it had been 38 hours since my contractions first started I asked for an epidural. I had not slept and was feeling defeated. When he pushed down into the birth canal his heart rate would drop. It went right back up after each contraction. It wasn't long after that they told me that if I cared about my baby I would have a c-section. I was numb. I cried as they wheeled me to the operating room. I couldn't barely keep my eyes open. Max weighed 6lbs5oz. He had a few scary times where he turned blue in the few days after he was born. They said it was from the fluid in his lungs that doesn't get squeezed out during a c-section like it would during a vaginal delivery. Yes I am small framed, but not to small to have a baby. There is a laundry list of things that contributed to my delivery ending the way it did. Some things I should have done different and lots of things the hospital should have done different. Max and I learned how to nurse quickly. I felt like a failure for having a c-section so nursing was healing for me. I was in heaven with my little boy. It was just the two of us bonding and getting to know one another. I guess I should not leave you hanging and tell you that his biological father has never been part of his life. He has seen him 3 times - at three weeks old, three years, and in third grade. Never noticed the three thing til I typed that. When people say that you'll always be connected to someone once you have had a child together....it's not always true. I feel connected to Max only. It's almost like he was just a sperm donor. I struggled to support us and we moved a lot, but we made it. Max truly is a gift. I feel like I didn't realize the control I had over my life. I just let things happen to me. I had so many ideas/dreams of the way I wanted to live my life. I didn't realize how capable I am and that I just needed to grab life by the you know what's and create the situations I desired. I didn't realize that until about a year ago. When Max was three I had to have surgery to fix some of the scar tissue that was pulling on my other organs. It was a painful and awkward surgery. Max and I lived alone and after my mom drove me home from the hospital he took care of me. He held my hand and walked me to the bathroom. Once again he was my little angel. I married Joey in 2002. We are very different people with very different backgrounds. We see things differently. As soon as we were married we started trying to get pregnant. I had to take clomid. I had the estrogen level of a woman who had gone through menopause. As soon as I got pregnant I forgot all about that. I desperately wanted to have a natural delivery and that was my first question to my ob/gyn. Their answer was yes. Notice I said they. I saw a different doctor every time I went for an appointment. Joey didn't really understand my feeling or care much about any of that stuff at the time. I had no support. They told me a month before my due date that I was going to have to have a c-section and that we needed to pay for part of it up front. I felt so alone. I asked if we could at least wait until I went into labor. They said no. It was to late for me to do anything else or so I thought at the time. I wish I had stood up for myself. I felt so confused the night before my c-section. I walked into the hospital and into the operating room. It just didn't feel like it was supposed to be happening. My body wasn't saying it was time. They gave me something orally before they started and I vomited through the entire thing. At one point I realized that Joey wasn't there and started to panic. Where's my husband??? Oh yeah they said, someone go get her husband. They were getting the vacuum to pull him out when Joey came in. He was still very high and lodged up under my ribs. He wasn't ready to come out! He was 7lbs13oz. My temperature dropped very low and they had to wrap me up in warm blankets. Joey held Matthew and then we started having visitors. I felt cheated. I wanted to be alone in the quiet with my baby and nurse. My milk didn't come in right away and they wanted to give him formula. I was so mad. I told them no. My body felt very confused. The spinal made me shaky for several weeks. I felt like the ground was moving constantly. It was a harder recovery than the first time. On Christmas night Matthew was two weeks old and something wasn't right. Joey was sleeping and said everything would be fine, but I felt so strongly that something was wrong. He was breathing to deeply or something. I called the pediatrician who said to bring him in since he was so new. His oxygen level was 80. They scooped him up and ran to the trauma room. They asked us to stand back. I was dying inside. I finally asked the doctor to just tell me if he was going to live and he said he was sorry he just couldn't say yet. I have never felt so desperate. I would have given anything. Joey and I held each other and cried. After a spinal tap and chest x-ray they told us his lung had collapsed and that he had RSV. I thought RSV was mostly what happened to preemie African American babies. That's what the commercial said. It's also for white babies who are taken from there mom too soon and have lungs full of fluid. We spent a week in the hospital on oxygen and antibiotics. I was not recovered fully yet. I still had the strips on my stomach and I was so sore. Joey was so good that week. Back and forth to the hospital and rubbing my feet with Burt's Bee's foot cream. That week changed our relationship. We held each other and Matthew trying to will him better. It worked. We brought him home and took turns watching him and sleeping. We were still so scared. We got too good of an idea of how quickly he could be gone. He nursed until he was 31/2 and he is still right between us in the same place we put him his first night home. He has only been sick a few times in his life but it has been real bad when its happened. In April of 07' he got sick and ran a fever of 105.4 for almost 24 hrs. It went up and down for several days. It was 105.4 when they sent us home from the hospital. Again I was leaving a hospital with him feeling so scared. I hate hospitals. I keep him close and am so thankful for him. So here I am pregnant again. I know some people will not agree with my choices but they are MINE to make and this time I am going to stand up for my and the babies health. I am using a midwife and am going to try and deliver the baby in our home where I feel safe and comfortable. Away from the negativity and all of the interventions. I have been reading like crazy and will continue to learn everything I can. Joey has listened to me go on and on and let me read to him. We watched The Business of Being Born (netflix instant movie) which is great. He really likes our midwife and feels comfortable with her. I am making an educated decision and I feel so good about it. I know that in the end things could play out differently than I would like, but I've got to try. So this will be my coming home year. I will teach my children at home and I will have my baby at home.... where we are all happy, loved, and feel safe.