Friday, August 22, 2008

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Two Mondays ago Joey lost his job due to company restructuring. He was one of a leg of people to get let go. Big companies suck.

Last Wednesday (8/13) I started spotting. I knew something was wrong. We called my ob/gyn because at that point my midwife couldn't really do anything. The ob checked me, cervix closed, and ran some blood test. I went back on Thursday for an ultra sound and to repeat the blood work. My HCG level was high, progesterone low, and even though I had remained hopeful...... no heartbeat. She said that maybe they just couldn't get it and to come back and try again in a week, but not to be surprised if I miscarried. Through my sobbing I asked what to expect if it did happen. Will it hurt? What will it look like when it comes out? She said it may hurt some. Joey brought me home and put me in bed. I lay there crying, thinking, wondering, and honestly..... hoping they were wrong. It felt like torture. There was nothing I could do, nothing at all. Friday afternoon around two I knew it was time. The "cramps" felt like contractions and I cried. At first I held my knees shut but I knew it was no use. Joey and I were completely unprepared for what was happening. My cervix burned, I got chills, and the shakes. He sat with me the entire time. We had to have the awful conversation of how to handle, I couldn't flush it down the toilet. ( We have since decided to buy a beautiful planter and tree, similar to what some people do with their placentas.) I think the pain was even harder to deal with because at the end of labor you have this warm little bundle of hope, and I new all that awaited me was sadness. I felt so out of control. I would have done anything for the baby to be okay, but there was nothing I could do. By eight that night the cramps started to slow down and we thought it was over. I was so sad and tired but really almost numb. I stumbled over my words when I had to tell the boys. Max did not take it well at all. When I opened my eyes Saturday morning the sadness was almost unbearable. Before long the cramps started again and I was right back where I had been on Friday. You just don't realize how much there is that needs to come out. I couldn't take anymore. Joey's dad came to take the boys to baseball practice and we went to the hospital. I forgot to mention that I had a bladder infection when we went to the Dr. on Thursday. I listened to all the calls over the intercom and watched all of the people trying to remind myself that others still have it worse. I felt like I was watching but not really there. After several hours of waiting the Dr. examined me ( cervix closed back up) and did an ultra sound. She said that I needed to have a D&C because there was still a little left and that most people usually can pass everything in about 12 hours. It had been 32 hours. I hate being put under but agreed because at that point I was physically and emotionally wiped out. The nurse that wheeled me to the or said the worst thing to us. She said " things usually come in three's, I wonder what will happen to you two next." I was tired and scared and told her that hopefully they wouldn't kill me. I wish I had been myself and would have had something far better to say to her. I was grateful not to have gotten sick when I woke up because anesthesia usually makes me throw up. They gave me oxycodone to take and I liked it..... a lot. I needed something to make me sleepy and I took extra, because I needed to. I lay in the bed listening to the train in the distance, the beeping construction vehicles, cars, neighbors, and animals outside. I could hear the world going but mine was standing so still. It took me a few days to be able to leave our bedroom. I wanted Joey to stay with me every minute even though I knew he needed to tend to the boys and CoCo. What a blessing him losing his job turned out to be. We were able to go through this together. I am so grateful for my sister, she always says the right thing. I wish that she could have been here with me. I hate being so far away from each other. I have been back to the doctor and have been out a few times. Every time gets a little easier. People say off things because they don't know what to say and there is awkward silences and lots of eyebrow raised smiles. There are also those people who ask questions that you can't do anything other than just look at them. Then there are those who don't even call. When I called my midwife to let her know what had happened she said the most comforting thing to me. She said that what came out of me was not a spirit but a body that for one reason or another could not survive and that she didn't think that God would give that little spirit one chance in a body that wouldn't work. She said that she believes that little spirit is just waiting for a healthy body that will bring it to be with our family. I have been so comforted by her words. I think she is right. Joey and I are working together to get the house back in order and decided to rearrange our bedroom for a new perspective. I feel like I am slowly meshing back into life.

3 comments:

Jen said...

What a sad but beautiful post. I am so sorry for your loss. I hope that you are holding up alright. I too took comfort in the words of that nurse.
Before the triplets were born, I suffered a miscarriage. I wish that some one had said those words to me but even now I get comfort in them
I have enjoyed looking around your blog. You are right, you really need some comfort. I want to come over and bring my recipe fully made to you. If only we lived close to each other. Heres hoping some better days are in your near future.

Cristin said...

I'm such a jerk for taking so long to read this post.

I'm so sorry for your loss... I've never had a miscarriage but I can relate to the feeling of watching and not really being there... I had a similar feeling in the hours after Graham was born.... like it was happening to someone else...

Again, I'm so sorry, isn't it strange/nice/weird/cool that Joey lost his job at the exact right time??
I'm not religious, and I don't believe in coincidence... I marvel at how life turns out...

Anonymous said...

Cin-
I'm glad that you have this post behind you now. I know that you were sort of dreading it, but I'm sure writing it all out was somewhat cleansing. It also helps to know that there are still many good people in the world through their comments.
Laurice