Our Family Tree

This is our pregnancy tree. I am glad that we did this. When I was younger I was a nanny for a vegan, eco friendly couple. He is an author and speaker who was one of the founding members of Food Not Bombs and she was just an amazing woman. At the time she was a surrogate mother for a couple who could not have children of their own. She had the baby at home and afterwards I was helping wash the blood off of her legs and feet. Looking up at her I felt so sad for her. I watched her carry the baby, went to her midwife appt. with her, saw the effort she put into taking care of herself and the baby, watched her nurse the baby and then hand him to his new mother. She explained to me that having her son was the best thing that ever happened to her and that she was giving that gift to another woman . Amazingly selfless. Anyway, after we had a party and planted a tree in a large planter with the placenta. It was a beautiful closure. When I was in the middle of losing this pregnancy and we were deciding what to do I remembered that day. I decided that would be the best way for me to handle it. I know it would not be for everyone, but it is for us. I still feel kind of foggy sometimes. I am a pretty in control of situations person, I make stuff happen. Well, I am learning to be comfortable with being out of control. I would do anything to still be pregnant.......but there is nothing I can do, nothing. Things seem to be playing out in their own way for us right now and I am letting it happen. Trying to be still and step back. I feel a little conflicted because sometimes it feels negative. I can't really explain it. I guess I am still trying to find my balance. Joey is in New Jersey today at a job interview. It's 14 hours in the right direction for me. I would only be six and a half hours from my sister and that would be great. We haven't seen each other in two and a half years and that makes me so sad. I miss her and her family terribly. There is also a job in Ohio that he has looked at. Ohio would be okay too. Staying here is fine although I like new places, people and experiences. I have been able to experience many things through moving and traveling. We will see what plays out. I am open to anywhere because you never know what a new place will bring.